I admit it.
I love God.
I absolutely love worshiping Him. Not a day goes by where I don’t crave – absolutely desire – the things of God. There is a passion in my heart that I simply cannot contain. I NEED to sing to Him. I NEED to honor Him. I NEED to praise Him.
But… the truth is… I don’t. When I have those thoughts of passion and desire, I let them slide to the back of my mind, knowingly choosing to focus on some worldly thing instead. When I have the urge to pray, my flesh quickly puts it out under the demise of whatever I’m doing instead.
I worship, and I worship hard. And, I never stop. I can’t let go of these feelings inside. They (cliché, I know) literally burn inside of me. There is no greater satisfaction in my life other than knowing that my worship pleases the Lord. I want nothing more than to meditate on him day and night.
But.. the truth is… I don’t. I don’t give him the time of day. It’s too easy for me to go through an entire day without even whispering a simple prayer. I have a hard time focusing on who He is, and what He’s done for me. I’m too easily distracted by earthly pleasures, and convenience, and simply being lazy.
How is it… that I can have such a desire to worship God, and yet I feel trapped inside my own world of doubt and deception. I know that He deserves more… but what do I do to really give Him more? How do I make practical decisions to benefit my relationship with him? Do I lift my hands in sweet surrender? Do I gaze upon His beauty? I do. But I don’t.
As Christians, we constantly face the battle of our flesh and our spirit. One part of us truly wants to give our everything to God. But the other truly wants to satisfy itself to no end, with no hesitation, and no consideration. Paul says it perfectly in Romans 7:15-21:
15 What I don’t understand about myself is that I decide one way, but then I act another, doing things I absolutely despise. 16 So if I can’t be trusted to figure out what is best for myself and then do it, it becomes obvious that God’s command is necessary.
17 But I need something more! For if I know the law but still can’t keep it, and if the power of sin within me keeps sabotaging my best intentions, I obviously need help! 18 I realize that I don’t have what it takes. I can will it, but I can’t do it. 19 I decide to do good, but I don’t really do it; I decide not to do bad, but then I do it anyway. 20 My decisions, such as they are, don’t result in actions. Something has gone wrong deep within me and gets the better of me every time.
21 It happens so regularly that it’s predictable. The moment I decide to do good, sin is there to trip me up. 22 I truly delight in God’s commands, 23 but it’s pretty obvious that not all of me joins in that delight. Parts of me covertly rebel, and just when I least expect it, they take charge.
24 I’ve tried everything and nothing helps. I’m at the end of my rope. Is there no one who can do anything for me? Isn’t that the real question?
25 The answer, thank God, is that Jesus Christ can and does. He acted to set things right in this life of contradictions where I want to serve God with all my heart and mind, but am pulled by the influence of sin to do something totally different.
That last verse is my saving grace. Jesus ‘acted to set things right in this life.’ He knew that we would have this eternal battle of sin-self and spirit-self. And He came to save us. He came to show us truth. It’s up to us to follow after His truth. He knows we’ll fail. He knows we’ll fall. And that’s why He is right next to us, ready to pick us up, and help us move forward.