Confessions of a Serial Worshiper… and Failure

I-ConfessI admit it.

I love God.

I absolutely love worshiping Him.  Not a day goes by where I don’t crave – absolutely desire – the things of God.  There is a passion in my heart that I simply cannot contain.  I NEED to sing to Him.  I NEED to honor Him.  I NEED to praise Him.

But… the truth is… I don’t.  When I have those thoughts of passion and desire, I let them slide to the back of my mind, knowingly choosing to focus on some worldly thing instead.  When I have the urge to pray, my flesh quickly puts it out under the demise of whatever I’m doing instead.

I worship, and I worship hard.  And, I never stop.  I can’t let go of these feelings inside.  They (cliché, I know) literally burn inside of me.  There is no greater satisfaction in my life other than knowing that my worship pleases the Lord.  I want nothing more than to meditate on him day and night.

But.. the truth is… I don’t.  I don’t give him the time of day.  It’s too easy for me to go through an entire day without even whispering a simple prayer.  I have a hard time focusing on who He is, and what He’s done for me.  I’m too easily distracted by earthly pleasures, and convenience, and simply being lazy.

How is it… that I can have such a desire to worship God, and yet I feel trapped inside my own world of doubt and deception.  I know that He deserves more… but what do I do to really give Him more?  How do I make practical decisions to benefit my relationship with him?  Do I lift my hands in sweet surrender?  Do I gaze upon His beauty?  I do.  But I don’t.

As Christians, we constantly face the battle of our flesh and our spirit.  One part of us truly wants to give our everything to God.  But the other truly wants to satisfy itself to no end, with no hesitation, and no consideration.  Paul says it perfectly in Romans 7:15-21:

15 What I don’t understand about myself is that I decide one way, but then I act another, doing things I absolutely despise.  16 So if I can’t be trusted to figure out what is best for myself and then do it, it becomes obvious that God’s command is necessary.

17 But I need something more! For if I know the law but still can’t keep it, and if the power of sin within me keeps sabotaging my best intentions, I obviously need help!  18 I realize that I don’t have what it takes. I can will it, but I can’t do it.  19 I decide to do good, but I don’t really do it; I decide not to do bad, but then I do it anyway.  20 My decisions, such as they are, don’t result in actions. Something has gone wrong deep within me and gets the better of me every time.

21 It happens so regularly that it’s predictable. The moment I decide to do good, sin is there to trip me up.  22 I truly delight in God’s commands,  23 but it’s pretty obvious that not all of me joins in that delight. Parts of me covertly rebel, and just when I least expect it, they take charge.

24 I’ve tried everything and nothing helps. I’m at the end of my rope. Is there no one who can do anything for me? Isn’t that the real question?

25 The answer, thank God, is that Jesus Christ can and does. He acted to set things right in this life of contradictions where I want to serve God with all my heart and mind, but am pulled by the influence of sin to do something totally different.

That last verse is my saving grace.  Jesus ‘acted to set things right in this life.’  He knew that we would have this eternal battle of sin-self and spirit-self.  And He came to save us.  He came to show us truth.  It’s up to us to follow after His truth.  He knows we’ll fail.  He knows we’ll fall.  And that’s why He is right next to us, ready to pick us up, and help us move forward.

Won’t you trust in His love today?

3 Comments

  1. Mac Dwyer on February 7, 2012 at 12:53 PM

    Good post bro. I was reading the comments and replies on facebook and decided to honor your request and post here. Anyway, I would disagree with Tommy (respectfully) I don’t look at this passage allegorically. I believe Paul is commenting on the same struggle we all face, not living in the righteousness to which we have been given access. It is a struggle one that eventually we will win, but until then I would rest on the promise that Paul makes in the beginning of Philippians, that He who began a good work in you WILL carry it on to completion until the day of Christ. Be fully aware that God doesn’t love some future more put together version of us. He loves us now in the ragged state that we are in. But He loves us so much that He won’t allow us to stay there. That is why, in my opinion, we can get up in front of everyone and pour out our lives as an offering to Him. Because while we were sinners He loved us and died for us. And so we press on toward the mark of the high call and continue to worship as hard as we can. So Tommy’s second post was right on. It is a personal quality control issue for your daily walk. Which is good. We should have that evaluation process all the time. But I wouldn’t discount (not saying that you are) the times when we allow ourselves to really connect with Him and consciously give Him the glory that He deserves and at the same time help others do the same thing. I think of it this way. I don’t think poorly about my kids when they don’t express their love and gratitude for me. I delight in the times that they do. I don’t need them to do it, but I take joy in the times that they do. In the same way, God doesn’t need our worship, but delights in it and at the same time we are changed and benefit far more when we worship Him. That is freeing to me. Anyway, great post bro. Keep it up.

  2. Thomas on February 7, 2012 at 12:53 PM

    I hold a different view of the meaning behind Romans 7. It’s my belief that Paul was asking an allegorical question, which he answers at the end. He was painting a picture of a man who loves the law and tried to find peace through it, but only winds up more frustrated. The law came so that sin may increase; basically, it exists to frustrate us so we realize we need a savior. And the end says it all:

    24 I’ve tried everything and nothing helps. I’m at the end of my rope. Is there no one who can do anything for me? Isn’t that the real question?

    25 The answer, thank God, is that Jesus Christ can and does. He acted to set things right in this life of contradictions where I want to serve God with all my heart and mind, but am pulled by the influence of sin to do something totally different.

    My commentary on the blog post itself: what you have here is a really honest thought on why you can get on stage and really “get into it” but in daily life you find yourself slipping.

    There could be a number of variables. For example, you’re a performing artist, and you’re in your “element” (for lack of better word) on stage, plugged in, and pouring your heart out. You are there for one very specific, pointed task, completely devoid of distractions. And it’s the moment when your natural giftings rise to the surface. So it’s pretty easy to feel extremely elated in that setting, but maybe not so much in traffic or during an argument at home.

    Another thing, Sam, is you’re making/producing/manufacturing/providing worship (not in the studio “producing” sense), so one could say you’re in the “development department.” I suppose we all kind of are, because we’re all figuring out how we best connect, right? Well, look at any company that “produces/makes/manufactures” – Chevrolet doesn’t just roll a car off the assembly line from blueprints alone. They build tons of those things, crash them into walls, make changes, crash more of them, make more changes, etc. until they have something they can work with. Now, I’m not implying you perform assembly-line/cookie-cutter worship, it’s just an analogy to give you an idea that perhaps some of your feelings of failing to connect are actually quality control and development. I’m not entirely sure if I’m making much sense/articulating this well, but maybe you’ll get a nugget out of this that is good.

  3. naluwehi on March 29, 2016 at 2:47 AM

    Hi Samuel. I love your honesty in this post. I think you are being too hard on yourself. Everything you wrote is from your heart and this is where God looks and what He wants most from you. Everything you wrote IS worship and He is so pleased with you!!! We all struggle with not “giving God” enough, but God doesn’t struggle with loving us even still. I bet you talk to him in your spirit more than you give yourself credit for, and He is NOT keeping tabs. If there are some things that you need to do away with, then get more disciplined. That’s the bottom line, but don’t ever think that He is not pleased with your heart. Enjoy this journey of constant growth with Him. Thank you and God bless you!

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